COPING

Two of the five fundamentals of COPING include:

• Accept that certain situations are beyond your control and you simply have to deal with them. Don't let anger or frustration get in the way of dealing with the situation at hand. Don't resign yourself to your fate, and don't start to question your own worth. Develop some toughness and resilience. Just get on with it.

• Deal with it. Instead of moaning about your misfortune, figure out a solution. Think of where we'd be if Thomas Edison had just complained about being in the dark instead of inventing the light bulb. Change and hardships are opportunities in disguise. Use them to your advantage.

When we think about President Abraham Lincoln, considered by many to be the greatest president the United States has ever had, we rarely attribute his success to his ability to cope. Yet it was mastery of this one key facet that allowed Lincoln to not only successfully steer the United States through the Civil War, the most devastating conflict it ever faced, but to win a greater victory than just the war itself. It was, however, very tough going. Dissent and dissatisfaction reigned from the capitol to the battlefield.

After the disastrous battle at Fredericksburg, a soldier, in a letter home, wrote, “ . . . my loyalty is growing weak . . . I am sick and tired of disaster and the fools that bring disaster upon us . . . ”

“He [Lincoln] is ignorant, self-willed . . . incompetent,” said another.

And Lincoln, himself, acknowledged, “If there is a worse place than Hell, I am in it.” Little did he know; the worst was yet to come.

Lincoln had no military training, yet he took a very hands-on interest in the conduct of the war and was generally unhappy about the Union’s progress. His major complaint was that even though the Union Army had more troops, more munitions, and more food than the enemy, they never pursued the enemy when the tide of battle favored the North. Even when General Lee was soundly defeated at Gettysburg, General Meade made no attempt to prevent Lee and his army from retreating all the way across the Potomac River and into Virginia, their “home base.”

Meade, who had lost many of his officers during the battle, knew his army was exhausted and feared that Lee might still be able to deliver a deadly counterattack. But Lincoln wanted to end the war and as much as he appreciated Meade's victory, he felt the general had let the enemy escape.

Lincoln coped with his disappointment by writing Meade a letter:

"As you had learned that I was dissatisfied, I have thought it best to kindly tell you why. I am very—very—grateful to you for the magnificent success you gave the cause of the country at Gettysburg; and I am sorry now to be the author of the slightest pain to you . . . Again my dear general, I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune involved in Lee's escape. He was within your easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our other late successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely . . . Your golden opportunity is gone, and I am distressed immeasurably because of it."

Then he put the letter in an envelope and tucked it away in his desk.

Meade never saw it.

The letter was Lincoln's way of coping with his huge disappointment. As satisfying as it might have been to send, it would not undo what had been done.